Still Traumatized

I had to leave the area I was in, again. I am beyond tired of this lifestyle and everyone telling this girl what I can and cant have. They have the girl "ME" setting this girl up to look like I am some sort of terrorist just because I dont want to play her game. I just want to be a normal person that has normal needs and because of this person I cant have a normal life. They are wearing their rubber, laytex gloves again. That means that some of these people have every intention of putting this girl in a bad place again. The marines have threatened this girl only for traveling. They "dared" this girl to travel without their consent. Why am I under "marine rule" in the first place? Im no criminal and I am not a terrorist and since this is the US why am I not afforded the same rights as everyone else. Now I hear that they are "making an example of this girl". Im officially the 4 example! For what? I haven't done anything wrong and just because they have a negative perception of what Im all about, I am being condemned for their version of what they think that I am trying to accomplish. Im trying to secure a living environment for myself and they are treating this girl like I am trying to do something wrong. They treat this girl like I am not allowed to have a life that is decent. They almost killed this girl the first time that I was thrown in their "terrorist brig" . Now they are trying to say that they have some sort of right to accuse this girl of something that I didnt do or am not, like being a terrorist. I wish they would get a hobbie and a life. I hate being associated with such limited thinking. Why would I listen to a bunch of beefed up men that cant understand that I have a right to live a decent life, shelter, children and baby included. I just want to clear my name and they are trying to make it mandatory that I be part of their group....only problem, Ive never wanted anything close to being a marine. It couldn't be farther from anything I have ever desired.
I cant eat certain foods without being accused of being "guilty" of something ridiculous. I'll admit, I over ate just now but, I am pregnant and I dont know the next time I will get to eat. Then I had this man ask if he was "in my way" just because I was filling up on foods that I didn't have to chew(still superstitious about trying to save the baby), he assumed that I was eating as a form of "revenge" when Im not even that kind of person. I was all the way done with my meal before I looked at the picture on the wall to my right. It said "Wayne" on it and I freaked out because that is Kendall's fathers name and he isn't exactly trustworthy. Not a bad person but I am unsure of what his true intentions are considering Ive almost been killed over her, April, and Tara. I didn't associate it with "lil wayne" until I saw this handsome man driving a mercedes on my walk after my meal.
Im tired of the way that people treat each other. Everyone is totally quick to judge people and situations that they know nothing about. If I cant have a low calorie serving of sweetened cream (the kind you put on strawberry shortcake, or ice cream) without being suspected of trying to "whip" an individual and being convicted of something like that without ever so much as "ever" participating in that behavior or that way of thinking. This world is crazy and everyone in it is trying to punish this girl for learning gruesome facts that make up part of this life. Like I've said before, its like watching the news and hearing about people that abandon or kill each other and being held responsible for watching the news and the bad persons actions. Not activities that I would participate in, but because of my exposure to dangerous people I am made to look like that is something that I would condone. I am tired of being poked and probed for bad things when the whole reason I have learned such horrors are because no one (family) would allow this girl the decency of a safe warm home to live in while I got back on my feet. All of them had extra rooms.
Ive been on the street for 5 1/2 years and these people keep trying to "guilt trip" this girl with the whole "hand" thing. Anything to make this girl look bad, yet all of them go into their own homes at night without a single worry as to whos hand is in question. None of these people have been homeless or even tried to make it on the street and put themselves in my position, but Im the one that looks bad for engaging in the same activities as them (eating, having shelter, driving in a vehicle etc...) Its all my fault if someones hand is in jeopardy. A homeless girl. Talk about not making any sense at all. Basically it is an attempt to continue to excuse the payment of funds that I created, to an individual that plagiarized, committed copyright infringement and the latest of purgered themselves, in order to collect a sum of money that is rightfully mine. That is why they are working overtime trying to make this girl look like I would risk a hand. I ask you, at what point am I allowed to get paid for any of my hard work? When do I finally get to have a home without a guilt trip attempt to keep this girl on the streets? When is it finally enough, when do I have to stop paying dues while all these spoiled ass individuals dont even sacrifice a smidgen of their lives to get paid for their accomplishments and they sure dont have the marines threatening them? When do I finally have control over the slimy majority that has managed to keep this girl in their carefully controlled box so that they can continue to cash in on a bright mind. Lazy ass, pathetic excuses for skin, cant even come up with their own ideas and Im the one that they are trying to make an example of?
This planet is backwards. I was under the impression that slime sinks, but in this life they just add bling and then they are in business. (Not intended as a slam on decent people that dress up their wardrobe) The decent people are being stepped on and then made to look like the bad people not to mention struggle for air at the bottom.
I feel so much better being able to write, its been 3 days now and I have had so much stress.
I have to also mention that "THE WITCH DOESN'T WIN, JUST BECAUSE THEIR IS A CHUBBY ROLEY POLEY MAN NEXT TO THIS GIRL. THE WITCH SEEMS TO THINK THAT I AM TURNED ON BY FAMILY MEMBERS AND CHUBBY MEN.........I REALLY AM NOT ATTRACTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE IT A REST AND TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST, ITS NOT THE WITCH THAT IS ACCUSING THIS GIRL LATELY, ITS AVERAGE PEOPLE THAT JUST LIE INCESSANTLY, TRYING TO WIN THEIR VERSION OF "THE GAME" GET A LIFE. Every once in a while I am attracted to a tall man, short man, thin man and chubby man, its not the appearance, you limited minded freaks, its the personality of the person that Im attracted to. Your totally shallow and dumb. Your only making fun of yourself when you make fun of this girl because you are assuming something, and when you assume you make an ass of yourself.
I wish these military people would get out of my life. I have respect for their profession but I in no way want to be in the military. I am a creative soul. I dont believe in tearing a person down to build them up. There are other ways to create a strong person.

Hopefully the right person will understand who this next section is directed toward. Late last night I just got it, and I am sorry if you thought that I was unappreciative, ignoring you or just being a bi_ _ h. Yuma, 40, K-Line on the train. I appreciate all the help nice people try to give and I am sorry if you thought that I was rude. The other possible scenario would be that maybe it was a test to see if I would hang around and look like a groupie because I didn't get the message, I passed the test. People have played with my head so bad I literally dont know when someone is serious about trying to get this girl out of this and I am afraid of looking dumb that is the truth. But Im not a jerk either and I wouldn't try ignore legitimate help.
To the girl that speaks Hebrew, I hope all is well with your move and hope that you enjoy your new place in LA. I think your better off, try and have some fun.
Also Bryce, congratulations I hear your getting married or are already married. I have to say that I met a man just like you in Thousand Oaks California that I will never forget because it was like being with you. His name is Peter. I wish that if I couldn't marry you that he would be a good replacement. He is very smart and shares the same business sense that you and I have. It would be a good combination him and I.
But like you, Im positive that I could never compare to the girls that you are used to, not in lack of ambition and business sense but in attractiveness. I know that I would never come close to being aesthetically what either of you desires, even at my thinnest. That is why I decided to go and have the baby. If I've only met two of you in my life, what hope do I have that I will meet another and that he will be attracted to this girl. Im heartbroken as I move toward having a strangers baby in replacement of being together for an eternity with a like minded soul mate. Everyone has done everything in their power to keep us completely apart and without communication, leaving us suspect of one another rather than fostering the increadible gifts of the mind that we both (all three, including Peter) have been given. It seems impossible to hold on to you and you are left thinking that I just dont care. Same goes with everyone I have ever cared about.
I will love this baby because it is half of this girl. I would love to be a mom and would love to raise an exceptional soul. I really am tired of everyone trying to tell this girl what to do with my child when crack mothers are giving birth and being able to keep their children. I mean no offense to people that are trying to offer suggestions, Im not offended and can see the geniune intentions that you have. Can people try and allow this girl to love something for once? You might be surprised what kind of person I am. Like I said, not meant to be defensive, just putting a thought out there. I love and with all my heart.
I think these people that threaten this girl should be put to sleep. There should be no room for that kind of meanness on this planet not to mention there shouldn't be a national past time of keeping this girl miserable that bring millions happiness in the same way the superbowl does.
Ive got it figured out that if I can get away from my uncle (who thinks that he is Marshall Mathers by the way) that I might actually have a chance of a normal life. It is his constant stalking that leaves me with no hope of actually being able to break free from his cruelty. It is my uncles group of people that refuse to acknowledge my pregnancy, how cruel is that? Plus last night my uncle lied again to my cousins to get them to abandon their attempts to help. I dont know what he lied about, but I know that everything was fine one moment and then all of the sudden I was being threatened with a mental institution from one of my cousins for something that quite obviously never happened. He is pathetic in his attempts to divide any and all possible relationships that could aid this girl. And what once was a group of people I trusted is now a group of people I will abandon without a second thought, just to keep him away from my life. Anyone affiliated, I want gone, and permanently. ID RATHER DIE THAN "DO" MY UNCLE....GROSS!
The group that calls itself "me" really needs to back off. They are determined to not only twist the truth to their needs but also to try and hurt this girl somehow. They are obsessed with creating issues and blaming this girl when their was nothing there to begin with. They blow everything out of proportion. I have very little respect for this group as they are in constant competition with this girl and I am just a homeless girl not even competing. Pathetic.
My lips are about as chapped as lips can get and every attempt at trying to moisturize them is mistaken for something else. They hurt, keep that in mind, as Im usually without liquid the majority of the day.
What can I say, I miss my mother and I miss my father. Only problem is that they hate each other and I am left not being able to care about either according to the other. My mother makes fun of this girl with images of walruses to describe my father and I when she finds out that he is being supportive. My father wont even take this girl seriously, and everything I try to communicate is a lie when my mother is being supportive. This has been going on since my birth. How am I supposed to love anyone if no one ever lets this girl.
I have earplugs in and I think the people behind this girl understand that I really cant hear them totally and I am trying to unwind. I think that they are getting agitated for my lack of attention to their conversation, even though I am not trying to be rude. No one ever gives this girl the right to write and unwind without penalizing this girl. I mean no harm but I really need a release from stress that they cant begin to imagine. I am being punished once again for not sprinting to the on ramp and hitchhiking my, no energy having ass, to an unknown place. They treat this girl like Im a robot, with no feelings or needs and take away everything I have worked my entire life for because I dont jump when they snap their fingers. Im a person, not a slave and as far as Im concerned, if I have had to endure 5 1/2 years on the street when they could have changed it a long time ago, then they can wait a couple of hours for this girl to unwind from relentless attempts at killing my spirit. They have never had to experience life on my end and I really dont think they would like to.
I went to this "battered womens shelter" and it was a nightmare, a bunch of women and staff members playing status games. I was totally frustrated as everything I was trying to evade was living in the same place that I checked myself into. Not to mention that their were people there that I was specifically trying to avoid. Family members of people that had been stalking this girl and when I tried to communicate this and try to get transferred to another shelter, I was offered a referral to a mental health clinic. After I pleaded with the alternate shelter, telling them that the exact people that I wanted out of my life were living with this girl. There is no justice in my life. No one ever believes this girl. Whats really funny is that I rarely lie. If I was a lyer, i would understand no one taking this girl seriously, but Im not. They seem to be allowed to stalk and harass this girl at their leisure.

I wish I could meet a man that would take this girl away from all of this. This is from the depths of my soul as I am weary from this journey alone. I love you, whoever you are. I wish there really was some chivalry around. There has to be someone that loves this girl out there, I don't know what its like anymore to feel loved. The idea is............unfathomable.....and seems like its been taken out of the dictionary and all reference books.
Now I am supposed to hop up and travel again to some unknown place, when does it ever stop, when does normalcy exist in my life?, and where am I supposed to go now.
This is the diary of a girl that has traveled the country backwards and forwards in an attempt at having what people that dont even break a sweat are entitled to. The right to love, live, and laugh, and make a living with my own efforts.
I was told to go up and I literally went up the stairs. With my luck probably not what they meant. Ive had no where to destress and my heart is beating throught the roof and these people think that I am trying to be "okay" because I am trying to clear up all the misconceptions because I cant handle losing additional support. I realized just how bad of a day it was when a lady came around the corner and when she appeared from behind this girl, I jumped into the air.

I dont think I can handle any additional trauma. They think this is a "marine baby" the father is a 24 year old clean cut male with blonde hair and blue eyes. Its not that man from before.

I literally dont know what to do and having the aspergers syndrome and exhaustion from having to run for my life, I am getting my wires crossed. I am not trying to be "okay" I just have been TRAUMATIZED AND YOU ACT AS IF I HAVEN'T BEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP PUNISHING SOMEONE WHEN THEY ARE ALREADY TRAUMATIZED. CANT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS LIKE TO CONSTANTLY BE AT A LOSS FOR HOW TO STAY WITH THE RIGHT CROWD? YOU ARE INTERPRETTING MY ACTIONS WRONG. AND BECAUSE I HAVE NOWHERE TO DE-STRESS I CANT FIGURE OUT WHERE IM GOING WRONG. YOU EXPECT AN AWEFUL LOT FROM SOMEONE WITH NOTHING. IM JUST SUPPOSED TO IGNORE MY OWN NEEDS CONSTANTLY. I DONT KNOW IF i AM SUPPOSED TO LEAVE OR STAY, ALL I KNOW IS I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE FROM NOISE AND TRAUMA.
Everyone that I care about hates this girl. I never got a chance to be a normal person removed from the street. Thanks for the opportunity. Sorry I got weak and took, Im not perfect. I hate my existance, it never ends no matter what.