Is anything sacred?

I have been through hell and back. I am emotionally worn out. I have a constant flux of people telling this girl how to feel, act, and breath. I am tired of the constant intrusion in my life. You seem to think that it is alright for you to inundate this girl with your moronic games, points of view that I dont ask for, humiliation, and even your presense. You dont care about this girl or what happens to this girl. You are in it for the fame, the fortune, the thought of getting wealthy off my misery, and you dont even stop to consider that I haven't had a space of time without you in it for years. There is never a time when I ever get to be myself without some nasty snide remark, your version of the game thrown in my face, or an attempt at humiliation. Did it ever occur to you that if my story hasn't changed in 5 years that I might actually be telling the truth? What is the constant need you have to target this girl with all your hatred, and games. Im normal, with the exception of the aspergers syndrome, and I grew up very normal with very normal outgoing boisterous people that have a pulse. Your attempts at killing my spirit and any efforts to shift the direction of my life are completely old.

Im being pushed to make decisions of adoption and abortion and I haven't even had 5 days to myself to soul seach and figure out what to do. I am constantly intruded upon as I have no space of my own and you expect this girl to be able to "think". Rediculous assumption. You try having no door to shut on the world for 5 years and see how your brain feels attempting to process information. I bet you didn't think of it like that...maybe now it makes sense to your selfish ass. If you really want an educated decision and in a timely manner, why dont you try offering some sort of solace, if not then get off my back and quit thinking that I am being unreasonable. You really are selfish, (not directed at people with genuine legitimate attempts to help but more a perspective for all the people that I am "inconveniencing" by being pregnant)
If I can get my settlement for all the plagerism that has gone on then I wont need to consider adoption. If a man wants to marry this girl then I want to marry someone that is supportive of the whole package, maybe I dont want someone that would risk giving this girl up because of a beautiful little person. I really dont know right now and it doesn't look as if I am going to get any sort clarity like this. Sometimes it is less painful to just pull my hair out.

ED, can you get out of my life now? All you do is play hurtful games and make snyde remarks about my life. You literally dont care if I live or die except when it benefits you. Oh thats right I forgot, you did offer to let this girl starve and then kill this girl all in the name of Shelby. Thanks but no thanks. Find someone else to aid you and your daughters rise to success. Im like a book that you pick up and read when you need information. Pathetic. Im not going to be your circus animal any longer and if you continue to pursue this girl then you will eventually find out what it will be like for you behind bars. Im done with your cruelty and abuse. And to think you were my hero when I was little.....no wonder I dont trust most people. Having you in my life is like living the movie "Enough" everyday of my life. Get out of my life ED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are not welcome.

I am not trying to date your man. Can you understand, that I am unaware of what or who my friends are and I was simply trying to appologize if you or your man was attempting to help or possibly aid in my relocation away from all this drama. It is not an attempt to have my pregnant self trying to "date" your man. I can understand how you might misinterpret though. I am simply trying to explain how my brain works and try and give some insight as to why someone might have been offended and that I didn't mean to offend anyone that was legitimately trying to help this girl. Try to remember that my biggest problem is harassment and stalking and homelessness, not trying to land your man. Hopefully you understand, I have bigger problems than to be trying to "date" right now. Like I said, I understand you being suspicious. I will say though that there are very few people on this earth that I can mentally get there with and I have a healthy appreciation for intellect. I can separate healthy appreciation or admiration from attempting to be with someone elses man. People were put on this earth to be loved and enjoyed and that shouldn't stop because two people decide to be together. You can never have too many people that appreciate or care about you is the point. Hopefully you understand what I mean.

I wish I was writing to my child right now. I wish I didn't have to constantly explain and go through morning sickness on the street and completely broke while this person cashes my checks from my writing.

I think I was offered a settlement of $400,000 last night but no one ever tells this girl how to collect it. I was offered a 50/50 writer publisher split (official terms in the music industry and not to be confused with the rapper) in pleasanton only a couple weeks ago, which really was the fairest of all the deals but again, I didn't know how to accept. Just like last year in Vegas they offered this girl $20,000 /month indefinitely but that they get to keep the royalties, but no one tells this girl how to accept and get paid my own money. Plus I dont know who the offers are coming from. So now I guess I am still homeless and on the street because the offers dont come with instructions. I want my money though and its rediculous that finding a place to stay at night should change whether or not I get paid. I have no idea what I am supposed to do to get my money. Im not being greedy, I just dont know how to officially accept, where to go, or who to call. Im beyond frustrated. I guess I will just call another attorney and hope they know what to do.

Ive accomplished things that I never thought possible. Ive broken codes that have won national accomondations, wrote lyrics to a song that is very profitable, originated the Bacardi Mojito idea, my writing has reached world leaders even though it was plagerized, I traveled almost the entire continent, and lived through every attempt made on my life, and my sanity. I should be totally proud of who I am but instead, I am left by cruel people with a legacy of humilitation that they have to break the law to obtain and the people viewing dont even find that the real disgust is someone that would stoop to such low levels to break someones spirit. Not only that I am constantly accused of bogus crimes that never happened and held responsible for more things than the ex-president had to account for. How they can continue to associate with such lowlifes after they have displayed their true nature is beyond this girl and I dont feel bad about myself as I officially know these are people that are worst excuses for life out there trying to shape my destiny. I have no respect for any of them. I am really perplexed as to how some girl can take credit for things that almost killed this girl to create.

Im totally frustrated. I just want to open my eyes in the morning and have it be the way it used to be where I woke up with a smile on my face and the thought that wonderful things were possibly on the horizon. I remember being stoked to smell the morning air and to feel the first warm rays of the sun on my morning walks. I remember thinking that anything was possible if I was a decent person and worked hard enough. I remember replaying my mothers words from when I was little in my head...."you can have or be anything you want in life".................silly girl... I believed her.

I am being threatened right now as I write this with mental institutions for writing on this computer by a man in a vehicle that is a silver honda civic that is parked right in front of this girl. Have I done anything wrong? No. The only thing I did was blog. Not hurting anyone but still being threatened. They are saying that it is "just" again. Whatever they are justifying I dont even understand what the problem was in the first place so how could it be just. It couldn't be, thats like punishing someone for not understanding a foreign language. If I dont understand what your all irritated about how are you justifying your hanus reaction? But you dont care, you continually ignore truth so of course everything is just that has happened. Anything to make you come out the winner right? Alter facts, figures, destroy a life or three, lie, cheat, or steal, doesn't matter right, but a decent girl that doesn't understand your games is justifyably destroyed in your pursuit of power. These people should be gassed in the gas chamber for their constant need to destroy my every waking moment. People like that shouldn't be allowed to procreate and they want this girl to have an abortion. Sorry not going to happen!

Also all your threats of imprisonment are rediculous, Ive done nothing wrong. How about I put you in prison for all the illeagal things youve done.

Tired of the sabotage. A lot of people loved this girl at one time, and then you came along. Im aware of who you are now. I didn't know that you would condone or encourage people to try and make this girl look bad when I am literally totally exhausted from 5 years on the street. How could you? Your already living the life that I was originally chosen to be a part of and because of some carefully planned sabotage, you got to be this girl. Im happy for you, wish you the best, but why are you trying to make this girl look any worse when Ive done nothing to you and you are living a plush life. You should be ashamed that your "people" and supporters are playing head games when I dont have the energy for them. Im on my last legs and your people are still trying to make this girl look bad. I dont hate you, I hate what they've done to get you there. If I were you, I would change this scenario. I wish for some sort of justice one day. Their lies have ruined my life and although I dont have to be "Annie" I deserve a healthy decent life, with people that have scrupels. I might officially hate this planet as all of my old friends and family have abandoned this girl in favor of you. How would you feel? I have no one.
I hope some of these people litterally rot. My life is destroyed.


I cant even look at a map of the state where my 20 year old cousin lives without people assuming that they know what Im up to. It is totally petty that I have a bunch of people making decision on the slightest of actions, I have no hope of ever getting out of this mess with ignorant people in charge. I cant even breath or have my own likes or dislikes or family that I care about without you thinking that you know what I am thinking. Ive got news for you, Ive traveled this country thoroughly and I know what states I enjoy the most.....once again its not about your freaken game. Im tired of you making decisions when you dont even know what your talking about. I almost worked for the NSA and Secret Service and you think that you are educated enough to tell others what Im all about or what Im up to. I really wish I had people like you out of my life. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT SO QUIT THINKING THAT YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT I BELONG TO. THIS IS DIRECTED TOWARD THE WOMAN THAT SNEERED AT THIS GIRL WHILE I HAD TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE AND ASKED IF I WANTED TO STARVE SURI. GET A FREAKEN GRIP. ONCE AGAIN YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT WHEN IT COMES TO MY LIFE OR THE THINGS THAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. I DONT ATTEMPT TO TELL YOU WHATS RIGHT FOR YOU OR TRY TO INTERPRET YOUR ACTIONS TO THE POINTS WHERE I WOULD SNEER AT YOU WHILE YOU CRIED AND YOU SEEM TO THINK YOU ARE IN CHARGE.

I TELL YOU WHAT, I WOULDN'T STARVE ANYONE, NOT SURI, NOT HALEY, NOT WILL, NOT A FOREIGNER, NOT AN ENLISTED, NOT A FEDERAL AGENT, NOT A STAR ......NOBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE YOUR MELADRAMATIC SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE AS i AM PREGNANT AND TRYING TO FIND A PLACE THAT I ENJOY TO RAISE MY CHILD. IM TIRED OF IGNORANCE.

Not directed toward people I love. You know who you are.