These people dont understand that I am totally autistic. I am not a terrorist. I dont understand what is going on around me or why I am being held responsible for things that I dont understand or have knowledge of. Im so tired. It never seems to get better and as usual when ED gets involved in any portion of my day, I am again threatened with the electric chair. Why cant I just be homeless and have places to stay here and there without being accused of something. I have no agenda and I dont understand how to "do" or what that means. Im so tired of being mentally played with so that Tara can have my life. Im not playing games and they never stop trying to play games with my life.
I miss my friend Kendall, Im so tired of trying to live without friendship or love and I am totally tired of just having myself to lean on.
Ive been beyond tired and nauseous today. I felt like i got hit by a vehicle, barely able to move around. Its aweful. Im so tired. Most of my pregnancy being denied to a large population and me always having to be on the move everyday constantly pursued by conartists and people trying to take away people I care about.
I saw a picture of Prince Harry tonight and I smiled. Prince Harry looks like my baby's dad and it provided comfort to a girl that has litterally been on her own the entire duration of this pregnancy. Its been so hard to be alone. Im so tired of people fighting over the rights to my child. I am a great person with increadible morals. I dont steal or talk badly about people, I dont understand why people keep lying about me. Its breaking my heart that they are trying to pass my kid off as the offspring of some overgrown oaf that resembles my uncle Ed. Not the case. I miss normal people. Freespirited, openminded people that dont find fault with people for rediculous things that dont matter. I miss my friends.
Im going to end up dead if someone doesn't stop my uncle ED. He wont stop trying to hurt me and I have now met a couple people that have already spoken of an "accident" happening to me. As a matter of fact, there was a gas leak in the motel that I stayed in on the eastern city that I stayed at. I cant help but wonder if that was on purpose. It was centralized in my room. He's been wanting me dead for a very long time but then again, so has the united nations. They tried to kill me in August of 2007. I was kidnapped and brought to this location where everyone kept passing by to "view" me in the room they had placed me all saying "it is just"and talking of operations to remove body parts of mine as well as killing me if I was cooperative. I was drugged and attacked almost the entire time. I am so tired of people trying to use me as some reason to hurt another or my own life. I cant get these crazy people out of my life. They wont leave me alone or stop threatening me. Im so nauseated I just want a normal existance and the ability to deal with just the pregnancy. Im such a love I dont deserve to be exposed to such harshness.
I think I have something figured out, it is T that might be my biggest problem. I am safe when I am in American territory or when I am in the Kings circle. Such compassion in that place and a feeling of love and safety and geniune care for all involved. But when exposed to A or T my life is harsh and there is no compassion. Its taken me until today to make the distinction. No wonder William was so angry with me for so long. I had no idea though while it was happening. He must have thought that it was on purpose. He must have thought that I was on the opposite side on purpose. But that wasn't the case, I just had no knowledge of what was happening. I am autistic and it takes forever to process information when not being exposed to traumatic events and even longer when I am being subjected to such harsh treatment and mental head games. Now that I have it partially figured out, Ill know where to "try" and stay within the lines. Ill forget somethings along the way but will remember them again hopefully soon, thats what its like having autism.
People are still accusing me of wanting 2, and I STILL dont know what the hell they are talking about.
All I really know is that I miss my sis, Kendall. Her and Beth are really the only people I will miss (with the exception of my family on both sides) if they decide to completely ignore me and the baby's existance. I love them but really didn't know that there weren't more people like them on this earth. Of all the thousands of people that I have met, I have yet to find their replacements. There are none, and I am forever affected. I miss my old life and the people in it. Right now I am surrounded by people I dont have the ability to relate to.
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